When I was young there were some Christmas Eve nights that I thought would never end, as I laid in bed hoping I had slept long enough to be able to convince my parents to let us get up. The year I was ten was an especially trying night. My brother and I kept waking up and talking about whether it was late enough. Finally about 4 A.M. we went downstairs and convinced our parents to let us get up.
It was a wonderful Christmas. I got a very nice bike and we had no snow on the ground so I could go outside and ride it. I have no idea what my brother and sister got, I was so caught up in my own happy world.
Christmas was fun for many years after that, even into the years of us starting the family tradition of all the family getting to gether at Mom and Dads on Christmas Eve. It got more and more hectic as the family got bigger but we had a simple fun time together as a family.
Eventually the evening morphed into a more complex gathering and I began to enjoy it less and less. I missed the simplicity, and the fact that most of my children lived out of state and couldn't be there. I had, over the past few years, gotten to the point of just tolerating the holidays, from Thanksgiving to New Years.
The last family Christmas Eve gathering I went to was December 24, 2009. There was a big group of us there, and soon my oldest daughter Keicha arrived with her youngest sister Julie, who had flown in from Colorado. I was so glad to see Julie she was so radiant and happy and brightened the evening for everyone there. It was a good get together. It helped me enjoy the holidays some.
By the next holiday season there was talk of ending the the every other years Thanksgiving gathering and the Christmas Eve party. I told my family that I would not be going to either of them anymore as I wanted to remember them as happy events with my daughter Julie there. Since she had committed suicide in May of 2010 she would forever be physically absent from my Thanksgivings and Christmases.
I struggled through the holidays of 2010, and in 2011 we had some discussions about Thanksgiving and decided to cease having the get to gethers. We also decided that The Christmas Eve party was getting too cumbersome in its present form and it was decided to discontinue it. I was happy with that decision, in fact I led the discussion to end the two celebrations.
As months of 2012 went by I thought about the holidays and the emotions they brought with them, but some how in the fall, I got up one day and was going about my day when I realized that I was thinking about Julie and I was smiling and happy. The days kept going by and the holiday season arrived. My feelings of happiness about Julie stayed with me.
One day I was driving along listening to the ubiquitous Christmas music on the radio and realized I liked hearing it, I haven't liked it for years, and I was evening humming along with the music. I thought about that and each day I listened to Christmas music. I found myself concentrating on being happy, knowing that is what my daughter would want. She truly wanted the world to just get along and be happy, and especially her family.
I started trying to turn the corners of my mouth up a bit each day and to try to be more pleasant with everyone. I loved going to the mall the couple of times I went there. I smiled, enjoyed watching the shoppers and had a good time watching the young children.
By Christmas day I realized that I was enjoying the holidays almost as much as I had back when I was young and getting that new bike. Two and a half years after my daughters death I knew she was in a safe place, not suffering, and wanting her family to be happy. That made me happy. I've seen a few 808's during the holidays, and when I see them I smile and thank Julie for helping me remember how to enjoy the holidays.
One day I heard the John Lennon song, So this is Christmas. It usually makes me sad, but as I listened to it, I was happy, and thought to myself, yes this is Christmas.
